I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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