Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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