to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
