The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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