There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
