She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
