meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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