Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
