Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
