You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
