come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
