I'm passing your future prison.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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