I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
