I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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