I just pynch a tree in the face
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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