I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
