I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
