can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
