life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
