apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize