so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
if only i could text you this smell
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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