I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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