im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
