Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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