Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
