I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
