so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
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