You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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