If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
