she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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