You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
