honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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