I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
