Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
