Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
