We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
