My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
