Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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