so that wasnt chicken after all
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
