WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
