in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
