the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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