Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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