So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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