just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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