I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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