i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
