I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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