I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
