And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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