Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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