headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
