Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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