i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
