Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
