Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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