I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
