What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
