I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
