Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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