Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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