LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
