Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
