Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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