Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I could fuck to npr.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
