I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You are a genius and a whore.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
